How To Poop With A Cat On Your Lap

Cat poetry in Haiku form:


Behold oh wonderful smell
Let me get closer to you
Your lap is inviting.

Poor human does not know
What is going on behind there
I will gladly sit.

Yes, behind on seat
So I can hide while plotting
Next move, claws in skin.

Human jumps as I take aim
Great fun, purr innocent
Pants down come up quickly.

Off seat as I strike
Awesome, will wait here
For next chance again later…




ANIMALISM:  the notion that humans are animals

Yes, I looked it up.

I was hoping to ‘coin a new phrase’ and set a trend in language…so, instead I’m going to use my definition here : The idea that some animals are superior to others.

Please make a note of that. It might catch on and then you can tell your grandchildren who started that phrase way back in the day.

I was reading an article today which stated:

‘Many cat lovers play hard to get and dog owners often have friends with benefits, but pet-free Canadians are the saddest among us when it comes to romance a new survey has found’…..

HHHMMM, how very interesting….but wait, there’s more….

Cat lovers, it found are frugal,  and more aloof, while dog owners are more generous and are more likely to have a one-night stand. But the pet-free Canadians were judged the harshest, they are the least likely to believe in romantic love and soul mates.

All this screams ANIMALISM to me….loud and clear.

I’ve owned dogs, cats, turtles, goldfish, bettas, hamsters and even a budgie, so I must be a very generously frugal, aloof, one-night stander, who likes to swim and sleep with the fishes like the bird-brain I must certainly be….that is , if I can get off my hamster wheel…

As a cat owner, I’m supposed to be private, well-read and stingy, possibly anal-retentive, not opposed to coughing up the odd hair ball once in a while. And I play hard to get….

And what does it say about my dog-owning friends?

It says they may be more social and outgoing, but also more fickle and promiscuous. It has been my experience that you could say that about cats and dogs. This is where the ‘Animalism’ really kicks in….

This survey is somehow assuming that pet owners are acting just like their pets when the exact opposite may in fact be more like the truth. Pets are imitating their owners.

This survey makes cat owners look really catty, dog-owners look like salivating mutts and those who are ‘sans-animal’, total losers.

Do I as a cat owner deserve to be judged by my choice of pet? I think not! I’ve also owned dogs. So when did I switch teams? When did I go from being outgoing, generous and promiscuous to frugal, anal retentive and stingy?

I’ll tell you when….

About the same time the losers were swearing off pets, soul mates and romance altogether….that’s when! 

The notion that humans are animals may hold true for some, but at the risk of being labelled a total ‘animalist’, it must also work the other way. Animals must indeed be human.

And according to the ‘newest survey’, there isn’t a lot of difference anymore. Was there ever?

Final Note: Next time my dog-loving buddies call me up for a one-night stand, I’ll be playing hard to get….